All of us own one. A personal boundary protects someone from outside interventions. Just imagine a sphere surrounding our body. It's invisible but it's there, and just like emotional energy, we have to take good care of this one, too.
So, what is the real function of what we call personal boundaries?
In our everyday lives, problems that occur, whether personal, social, international, or intercultural, there is always a connection to how perfect our personal boundary is. Basically, it gives us an indication to differentiate the things that we DO CONTROL from the ones that we DON'T.
This goes back to the topic of "Suffering". If you have a good boundary, you can easily distinguish whether something is within your control or not, and then deal with the problem with the information that you have. Having this taken care of, you will most likely suffer less frequently as you build a better boundary from time to time.
A personal boundary also works like a border of a country. It controls what goes out and what comes in. If there are a gazillion holes for a particular country, that means bad stuffs like drugs or stolen cars will easily pass from outside through the border without proper checking by the customs department and affect the economy at the end of the day. It also makes resources from inside being smuggled out of the country without control. This is really dangerous since outsiders have good access to our resources and since resources are scarce, this country's economy will be in a bad shape in the end.
Establishing a good boundary means that other's behaviors have no way of affecting us. And I thought it is profound to know the fact that we have no reason to be affected by how others feel if we have a good boundary. We often talk about the idea of positive or negative energy that others carry around, and how bad it is when the negative ones affect our mood. It literally will ruin our day. Good boundaries doesn't have that much holes but instead, it uses doors where we control these doors from the inside and decide what goes out and what comes in. We budget our resources efficiently with these doors. Positive energy from others comes in, while negative 'auras' bounces off the boundary.
Guess what? It means if someone is having a bad day and we're affected by it, then that's our fault and then it becomes our problem to deal with it. Yes, it's your fault. It shows that we have holes since we can't stop their bad energy from coming in. If we replace these holes by developing the so-called 'doors', we can at any time shut these doors and say "NO, you're not coming in, bad energy. Not a chance." and continue with our happy day without interruption. Sounds too ideal? For now, maybe yes, but if we work hard enough, all of us actually have the skill to potentially have 95% doors and 5% holes on our boundaries (keep in mind that a perfect boundary doesn't exist).
Holes also cause a boundary to have a vague shape. Until we learn to cover most of our holes, then only our boundaries will have a better shape which looks like a decent sphere. Having a good boundary also means that you have a solid identity. Preferences gives you identity. When describing a problem, if you find yourself using vague words like "overwhelmed", that probably means you have a lot of work to do. In fact, being able to hear and say NO is also one of the characteristics of high character with solid personal boundary function. Practice saying NO when you need it, but keep in mind to do it assertively, and in the right way. Accept NO's from others and it'll make you stronger.
So, what's the conclusion?
The first step in solving any human problem is to develop healthy, mature, high character boundaries. Practice distinguishing what you control over what you don't, don't be affected by other's bad energy, have preferences, be sure of how you feel, and practice hearing and saying NO. Now, this takes a lot time, it might even take years to some, but it's worth it and it gives a much higher proportion of quality to our lives. Invest your time and energy into this and I'm sure you won't regret it. It's just a small piece of a big puzzle defining maturity and manhood (or womenhood - i don't even know if that word exists).
Good luck to all of us,
Izzat Nizam
Reference:
Dr Paul's "Mind OS"
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