Relationships Are Like Jual-Beli

Here's something a friend of mine told me recently, which I think is very interesting to share with you guys:

"Sometimes, being in a relationship is very much like being in a market. You, orang kedai, and your partner nak beli your products. You know barang you tak perfect, tapi you tau ada quality. You gotta sell it! Sell the quality. She knows these barang tak perfect, tapi that's not the only thing she looks into. She weighs the good and the bad. If you know how to sell it, she'll buy it. So, sell it to her!"

Imperfection-based insecurities, anyone?

Remember, like my friend said, "If you know how to sell it, she'll buy it".

And another thing. This also applies to girls. Just change all the "her" and "she" to "him" and "he", and you're good to go.

Cheers.

The Economics of Love

From a combination of economics theory, love, relationship failures and success stories, I came up with quite a simple theory that finds a connection between attention and attraction..

It's called "The Economics of Love". And here what it's all about..

My theory says that Attraction works more of like a "price", and attention works more of like the "quantity of goods available". Let's say our example is a girl and her name is Siti. Being the only person with the name Siti who has her own unique personality traits that defines herself, she can then declare that she's the world's only supplier of brand-name "Siti's Attention", thus making her a monopoly in the market since her product is unique. Now, "Siti's Attention" is always produced under her own control and conscience..

Now let's get a typical guy's name to be Siti's partner. Let's just name him Ali.. Since he is Siti's partner, thus we can assume that Ali is the target audience (or the market consumers) of the product called "Siti's Attention".

Would you agree with me if I say this -- If "Siti's Attention" is produced in huge numbers every single day, in amounts that far exceeds what Ali can consume every day, flooding Ali's mind, time and energy, thus the price to get one unit of "Siti's Attention" has now decreased...

This is the reason why -- If Ali can earn something like "Siti's Attention" all the time without having to put hardly any effort, then the price of "Siti's Attention" will drop. "Siti's Attention" has now become less in value. And the market surely doesn't crave for something that's easy to get.

Being a monopoly, how can Siti increase the price of "Siti's Attention"? -- The answer is by controlling the supply. Siti needs to produce a smaller amount (or just the right amount) of "Siti's Attention" for Ali so that the price of "Siti's Attention" will go back to the appropriate level. As the availability of "Siti's Attention" is lower (and harder to obtain), it's price will increase. With this, Ali will become more attracted to it (Ever wonder why people are much more attracted to a Mercedes than a Kancil?)

If you ask me if it also works the other way around (A girl and A guy's attention) -- I believe it does..

So, what have we learned here? Take this example and see if we have been pouring too much attention towards our partners. If some of you are doing this, notice if your partner is "suffocating" a little bit or not. If he/she is "suffocating", then you might have been producing too much Attention for him/her. The price of your attention has gone down. He/she doesn't have to do much effort to get attention from you. You definitely need to stop the "suffocation" immediately before your actions will cause him/her to start losing the attraction that your partner once had towards you before..

Leaning back, taking your own time and doing your own stuff will really help. This projects security and confidence (which are really attractive to just about anyone). Plus, by paying less attention (or giving just the right amount of it) towards your partner, it will give the other person the chance to think about you and miss you when you're not around. This really makes the relationship healthy because both people will have to put at least some effort to get each other's attention (there is BALANCE)..

But how can we know how much is TOO much of attention? Well, I should say that any amount of attention would be good, as long as we're not at the level of being clingy and needy.. Why? Because being clingy and needy indirectly projects insecurity..

So, if your partner seems to be suffocated by you clinging around all the time, then you probably want to give him/her some space to breathe by starting to do your own stuff. If there's no third person in the picture, then it is definitely not their fault that they now feel less interested to talk to you. Most probably you were the one to be blamed.

Now, I'm sure there are also other factors that comes into play when we talk about relationships and love, but what I'm trying to explain here is just the connection between Attention and Attraction.. Plus, this law might not be applicable to married couples due to the change in the relationship's dynamics..

To wrap up, I'd like to rephrase this theory into one line:

"In a pre-marital relationship, given that everything else is constant, if Partner X's projected Attention increases to the level of "clinginess"/"suffocation", Partner Y (the receiver) will start to feel less of Attraction towards Partner X.."

Now, do you agree with this theory? Or you have another way of explaining it? What's your personal opinion? I sure would appreciate to hear from you..

Til my next post, Cheers..

Bad Boy Attraction

*From my old Friendster Blog site written on April 29, 2007.

For this post, I'd like to give the props to David Deangelo for the basic idea from his theory of "Attraction Is Not a Choice"

Why do bad boys attract girls? Some of these guys don't LOOK attractive at all. They could be hideous, monstrous, short, skinny, scary-looking, double-amputated, anything, you just name it.. but they get the most gorgeous girls in town.. Isn't that amazing...

Perhaps it has something to do with confidence and approval...

Bod boys do things their own way, and they're confident.. They don't really care about what the girl thinks about them, and they often disapprove the fact that if-she's-beautiful-then-she-must-be-perfect.. They even pay lack attention to these girls..

While all of the "good guys" flock around these attractive girls trying to kiss up by giving endless compliments, dinners and gifts, bad boys rarely do so.. They turn the tables around by making the girls seek their attention and now the girls are the ones who are seeking approval from the bad boys..

Since they have the "attraction mechanism" that works this way, thus they have more power to choose (and usually get) any girl that they desire.. But with the power that they possess, some of them turns out to be abusive, as in, abusing the "power" that they have.. They go to the farthest distance in even ditching the most beautiful girls you could ever imagine..

But even after some girls have read this post, I'm sure they will still fall for the bad boys.. Why? Because they're much more fun to hang out with than the good guys!! Why again? Because good guys only know how to say "Yes my lady.." or a much much more smoother pickup line by saying "I hope you're happy with what I've done so far. Is there anything else that I can do to please you?"..

So girls, just beware of the ABUSIVE bad boys, i.e. the crooks.. And guys, if you're one of the bad boys, just remember, "With great power, comes a great responsibility"...

p/s: Do "responsible" bad boys exist? Of course... OR, Can good-looking guys be bad boys too? Sure, why not?...

Justifiable Jealousy

*From my old Friendster Blog site written on April 27, 2007.

I was discussing this with a friend and we agreed upon something that's kind of profound to me.. I think it's kind of interesting so I'll try to explain our opinion.. and here's what me and my friend believe is true..

WE HAVE NO CONTROL OVER OUR HEARTS... THE HEART IS COMPLICATED...

Yes... Basically, I'm pretty sure that we never know EXACTLY how we feel.. there's a famous song called "More than words", talking about how feelings is undescribable.. we also can't control what we like.. A pickup-artist, Deangelo describes it as "Attraction is not a choice".. Basically, he says that when you're attracted to someone, there's nothing that you can do about it... (and of course, when someone else likes you, he/she can do nothing about it too..)

No, you don't choose to like someone, even when you think you actually made a decision and even when you can list the reasons why you like them... You just like someone because you're attracted to him/her.. For example, if a guy sees a hot blonde walking by, he doesn't go "Okay, this girl is 5 foot 6 inches, blonde, blue eyes, thin, and her skin is fair.. I think I'm gonna start liking her now".. NoOo, it doesn't work that way... He's already attracted to her within a fraction of a second..

For this reason, I'd say that some types of jealousy is justified, and thus, reasonable.. But HOW? In a relationship, if the guy/girl talks about how he/she doesn't like his/her significant other going out with someone else (usually these people call themselves "just friends"), there is a chance that it is not a TRUST issue.. It is not him/her not trusting the other party.. But instead, it's an act of not trusting what the HEART would feel.. and that, I think, is definitely reasonable..

When a boyfriend says to his girlfriend "You know, I think it's better if you could avoid going out alone with another guy even if he's just a friend of yours.." , there's a high probability that it might cause a chaos since the girl might feel that the guy is not trusting her (and trying to be controlling).. and so she yells "He just wants to be a friend laaaa..." ... But, you see, if the girl understands the fact that if she spends too much time talking to another guy, it ACTUALLY could cost her boyfriend a relationship..

Basically, I do believe that when we spend too much time with another person, we'll form so much new 'connections' with that person.. as time passes by, we'd slowly feel more 'connected' to them.. by the time when there's just overwhelmingly too much connection forming, mr. love uninvitedly comes by knocking the door.. without even knowing it, we now like this new person, and now there's nothing that we can do about it... if you're skeptical, think about the Malay proverb "Tak kenal maka tak cinta"...

But, don't get overjealous, either.. it's not a good thing to practice overjealousy... Some NORMAL jealousies are justifiable but this one is not.. It is purely based on insecurities and it is unhealthy for the relationship.. (as in, now it has NOT-TRUSTING-HIM/HER issues involved in it)... If there's no trust, things won't work.. So, I suggest not to get jealous 73 times a day since that's not good too..

Now, what's left not to trust? The only good thing I could think of is NOT TO TRUST our naive hearts... The heart will only feel something based upon our actions.. Therefore, since we can control our actions, it's best if we could avoid being TOO CLOSE to another person from the opposite gender while being in a relationship (well, only if you'd like to take good care of it, of course)...

Now, if you think about it, doesn't it make sense when doctors say, "Prevention is better than cure?" :)

Are You Missing Someone?

*From my old Friendster Blog site written on March 11, 2007.

Ask yourself this - are you missing someone?

If yes, smile now - because having the feeling of missing someone is actually a gift from him/her to you. Even you have the power to give the same kind of 'gift' to him/her. And that is called "the gift of missing you"...

It might sound like a snappy comeback, but if your significant other is asking "why didn't you call me?", you could just say "hey, i was just giving you the gift of missing me" :P

When you always talk, things might get boring. Someone might feel 'suffocated'. So, take a break. No, not for a month (if you want him/her to dump you, yep, stop talking for this long). Take one day, or two days off. And enjoy the feeling of missing him/her...

It's true, I admit that I'm no love doctor, and yes I'm not currently in any relationship (still, this doesn't mean I can't miss someone), but trust me, this concept is healthy for any relationship. When you start talking to him/her again, tell them you missed them (and mean it). There's a higher chance that you two will get closer this way compared to non-stop phone calls 24/7 or boring daily dates until time with your special someone is no longer appreciated as it has become so abundant and easy to get (this is also why economists agree that almost all rare items are valued at higher prices)...

So, again. Are you missing someone? Don't feel bad, 'cos hey, it's a gift!!! ;)

Mix Some Imperfections in Your Relationships

*From my old Friendster Blog site written on Feb 13, 2007.

"Being happy doesn't mean everything's perfect. It just means you've decided to see beyond the imperfections"

Someone dear to me gave me the two lines above, and I think it conveys a lot of important life-tips. First, it tells you that nothing would ever be perfect. Second, it also tells you that if you decide to see beyond the existing imperfections, things will get better such that you'll gain happiness.

In addition to that, there's also an American proverb which sounds something like "You LIKE someone BECAUSE... You LOVE someone ALTHOUGH..."

This is one perfect example showing that if we only see what's good in a person, we'll only LIKE them - but if we are ready to accept one's imperfections (ALTHOUGH they are this, and that...), we will then, start LOVING them..

I personally think that when two individuals tolerate each other's imperfections, they actually will communicate in a more "human" level, where you see the other person's true self inside of them. You'll also love them as a more genuine and real person. This type of acceptance is so powerful that it'll actually make relationships stronger and last longer.

By the way, these imperfections will always exist anywhere. Thus, instead of trying to avoid them, I think it's much better for us to just live with them, don't you think so?

So, if you find yourself out there complaining a lot about your significant other, maybe it's time for you to slowly start accepting his/her imperfections. By the way, I personally think that nothing will ever be perfect (Except for God).

Plus, just realize it that none of us are anywhere near perfect, either. So, we need to start expecting some imperfections in others, so that the world will be a happier place for all of us to live in ;)

Stop Blaming the Distance

*From my old Friendster Blog site written on Jan 10, 2007.

With so many relationships failing since the previous 5 months, including mine and those of my best friends', I thought I'd like to give some insight about how I look at the whole situation.

They say it's the distance.

But I hardly think so.

Long distance relationship is not the cause. Trust me. I just read some self-help books and the best bet would actually be this - relationships fail because of us. Yes, it's us. Not the distance.

It is true the physical limit makes us hard to see our significant other as often as we could compared to when we're close. But do all physically-close relationships survive, and do all long distance relationships fail? Certainly not. I personally know a universitymate of mine who's having a relationship with his lovely girlfriend since they were in high school, and I'm guessing that would be around 7 years old now. Although they are now half-the-globe apart, it just doesn't matter. I know some others who are also making it through - treating it like an adventure.

Don't believe it? Well, you simply have to.

If we have no choice but to have a long distance relationship and we don't wanna lose it, then embrace it as part of our life. Accept the reality, and find ways that work best. Stop expecting too much, and be happy in whatever situation that you're in. Tolerate. Have some control over your raging emotions. Take note that this applies to both guys and girls.

It's time for us to grow up and take full responsibility for whatever that happens in our lives.

When bad things occur, chances are it's the others' fault, and not us. It's the distance, or it's the other person not understanding us. Blame everything and everyone but ourselves.

Acting like we're the victim simply won't help. No matter how much satisfaction we get out of blaming things around us, it'll never help us get better.

Start taking responsibility and learn lessons from mistakes so that we'll grow and become better individuals with more fulfillments. Making it others' fault gets us nowhere and our growth stays stagnant.

To skeptics out there, just go out and find good books such as Susan Jeffers' "Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway". Read it and you'll get what I'm trying to say.